Ev’Yan is the big sister you never had revealing not only her strengths but also her doubts and grey areas. She writes her musings here: sexloveliberation.com Ev’Yan has a way of writing that makes you feel she is sitting right there with you holding your hand telling you its ok to be human. You feel less alone reading her articles while aware that the journey into self love is far from over. Not only is she compassionate and honest, she is also way hot! All that said she is launching a new book:
I had the opportunity to interview her, I hope you are inspired as much as I was.
1. You answered this question many times before but if you can give a run down what inspired you to create sexloveliberation.com? to update new readers.
During the time that SL&L came into being, I was going through a small crisis of sorts. I wanted to start a project that served my purpose better. I wanted to channel a new aspect of myself in my writing. I was craving change. I had felt this desire before, but after relocating to a new state, I felt like this desire suddenly grew bigger than me.
I was speaking to my husband about it, & out of no where the words “sex, love & liberation” came out of his mouth. Within moments, we were planning out the premise of the new blog, plotting its success, designing the site. Several days later, it launched.
Since I started this blog, my world has dramatically shifted. So many opportunities have opened up for me, & I’ve been coming into my own as a writer. Writing my book was like a climax to all of it. It’s been a marvelous experience.
2. Why do you think its important for people to keep a journal? How do you think people will benefit from keeping a diary?
I believe that keeping a journal is a great way to go deeper into your self-discovery journey, & that writing can be a kind of meditation practice that prompts you to be more present. Keeping a diary also brutally reminds you of your mortality, which can be frightening & powerful all at once.
There is so much vulnerability involved in writing. I think if people took time to write their thoughts on paper, they would open themselves up to that vulnerability. A lot of people shy away from it because being vulnerable is quite scary & daunting. But if we lean into that discomfort, we can often transcend the fear & come out with a better understanding of who we really are, unfiltered.
Writing does this for me daily.
3. What is self love to you? How does a person work towards accepting themselves more fully in each moment?
Self love encompasses many things. It’s being self-centered in a healthy, healing way. It’s taking your emotions into consideration before anything else. It’s looking in the mirror & having your reflection turn you on. Self love is self-awareness & the realization that before you can love anyone, you must love yourself, first & foremost.
On the surface, self love seems inconsiderate, as though you are thoughtlessly absorbed in yourself. But self love is having a deep care for yourself, as you do with your own children or lovers. And that should never be seen as selfish or rude. That kind of care should be celebrated & glorified. It is a joyful experience to love & care for yourself unconditionally.
The road to accepting yourself fully is a long one. It takes a lot of precious time to fall in love with yourself consistently. It takes patience, as well. The quickest way to learning to love yourself is by accepting that you are you & you will be you for the rest of your life, so you might as well be kind to yourself.
I speak about this & more in my book, Sex, Love, Liberation: A Manifesto for the Bold at Heart. If anyone has ever had trouble with loving themselves, this book will guide them into it gently.
4. How can we open the discussion between women discussing things like masturbation, porn and erotica?
By simply opening your mouth & speaking about it. The only way we can ever have discussions about these things is by getting up the courage to talk about them. Everyone needs to speak about masturbation, sex, & the things that turn them on… not just women. The moment we become open & courageous about sex is the moment it ceases to be taboo.
5. Is there any advice you can give to someone who is becoming self aware but who is a bit confused about the next step to take.
Just be. Listen to your heart. Write your thoughts, hopes, & fears inside a secret diary. Be around people who encourage you to be your true self (& weed out the ones who don’t). Breathe deeply. Stay vulnerable in your pursuit to finding yourself. Vulnerability is key in self-discovery.
If you’d like to know firsthand when Sex, Love, Liberation: A manifesto for the bold at heart is released, click here to get updates via email + sultry love letters from Ev`Yan.
yes its quite easy to hop into relationships and to stay in ones that hurt to avoid being alone. you know when they say don’t try to be friends with an x right after your break up with them? there is a reason. i spent two fucking years trying, and trying and trying some more. how did we manage to stay in this half-assed non commital lack luster of an interaction? because he wanted pussy and i was lonely. simple. i am not sugar coating it for myself anymore. it was not love it was dark, it was bleak and it was old. it was hard for me to admit that i was distracting myself from myself. it was hard for me to come to terms that i made a mistake and i was wrong.
here is the thing, when you choose relationships and fuck buddies to avoid your own loneliness you are using that person. “but clair, i am good person i don’t use people!” when you try to fill that emptiness external to yourself that is using someone. yeah its pretty dark and its true. when you are accepting of yourself and truly not in need of anyone’s validation then you choose partners as an expression of who you are. i am now learning about inner strength and to be my biggest fan even when no one else is. it ain’t easy. i am not telling you that it will be.
i was holding off from feeling my heartbreak for a long time. i was using my x so i wouldn’t have to feel the pain. i spent about a year preaching about self love not really understanding what that meant; i was not embodying it. i was preaching about solitude not know how nourishing it could be and how much perspective i gain from doing it. more importantly i didn’t know how to be with myself. i am learning that now. now its all coming together. my fears, my doubts, my judgments. i have been looking at them and its been hard. i would be lying if i say there weren’t some days when i wake up and say: “oh this again, my life. fuck.”
but what i do know is when you start to truly accept yourself, you will be conscious of how you talk about yourself to other people. you will also be conscious of how you judge others. we complain and gossip about others because its easy and its another distraction. its the distraction of how hard we been on ourselves. we don’t want to admit to anyone that we can’t stand ourselves.
its easy to complain about the troubles its challenging to acknowledge the radiance in your life. and radiance comes in the small things.
complaining is an expression of victim mentality. and if you are in a position to be complaining you are not a victim. and if you are in a position to gossip you are an awesome story teller, write a book (only a suggestion). tell a story that speaks from your heart to other hearts.
that is a challenge and its discipline. and my love, it takes courage.
i have been in interactions where i was judging and being judged so harshly. and i wonder why do we do this. i am tired and neither one of us gains a thing. oh yes i have to be right, right? noo. my persistence of wanting to be right has got me no where. i have not grown more intimate with my partners or grown wiser although these are things i strive for. i am learning a lot about forgiveness these days and the power of letting go. i was ready to completely give up on myself and others. things just felt too hard. it was the judging. i was so caught up with it i wasn’t even conscious of it. our culture glorifies it and justifies it. but its useless and i am no happier because of it. i want love. more so i want to love myself shamelessly and i am coming to understand that is much of a practice as anything else.