yes its quite easy to hop into relationships and to stay in ones that hurt to avoid being alone. you know when they say don’t try to be friends with an x right after your break up with them? there is a reason. i spent two fucking years trying, and trying and trying some more. how did we manage to stay in this half-assed non commital lack luster of an interaction? because he wanted pussy and i was lonely. simple. i am not sugar coating it for myself anymore. it was not love it was dark, it was bleak and it was old. it was hard for me to admit that i was distracting myself from myself. it was hard for me to come to terms that i made a mistake and i was wrong.
here is the thing, when you choose relationships and fuck buddies to avoid your own loneliness you are using that person. “but clair, i am good person i don’t use people!” when you try to fill that emptiness external to yourself that is using someone. yeah its pretty dark and its true. when you are accepting of yourself and truly not in need of anyone’s validation then you choose partners as an expression of who you are. i am now learning about inner strength and to be my biggest fan even when no one else is. it ain’t easy. i am not telling you that it will be.
i was holding off from feeling my heartbreak for a long time. i was using my x so i wouldn’t have to feel the pain. i spent about a year preaching about self love not really understanding what that meant; i was not embodying it. i was preaching about solitude not know how nourishing it could be and how much perspective i gain from doing it. more importantly i didn’t know how to be with myself. i am learning that now. now its all coming together. my fears, my doubts, my judgments. i have been looking at them and its been hard. i would be lying if i say there weren’t some days when i wake up and say: “oh this again, my life. fuck.”
but what i do know is when you start to truly accept yourself, you will be conscious of how you talk about yourself to other people. you will also be conscious of how you judge others. we complain and gossip about others because its easy and its another distraction. its the distraction of how hard we been on ourselves. we don’t want to admit to anyone that we can’t stand ourselves.
its easy to complain about the troubles its challenging to acknowledge the radiance in your life. and radiance comes in the small things.
complaining is an expression of victim mentality. and if you are in a position to be complaining you are not a victim. and if you are in a position to gossip you are an awesome story teller, write a book (only a suggestion). tell a story that speaks from your heart to other hearts.
that is a challenge and its discipline. and my love, it takes courage.